Typical Email at Echo Logistics

I don't know what got into me this morning, but I decided to write an email to my friends here at my current company, a phony typical email of the ones we used to get from our managers at Echo Logistics. Here goes:


"Ok guys, I want 10 calls before 9:00 today or the manager required that I write you up.

Call every company or customer you’ve ever talked to your entire life and ask them what they have shipping today. Try to bug your family members with phone calls and use shady selling tactics through lies and deception to get them to ship a pallet of SOMETHING, we don’t care what. If it’s hazmat, we’ll make a phony BOL. Also, try not to screw up anything, because if you do, we have to charge your customer for it and we're running out of made up charges names. We can only use "misclassification" and "homeland security fee" so many times.

Get to it guys, finish the end of the month out strong so you can never “ramp up” to our unattainable goal of actually earning a sum of money that allows you to pay rent without taking cash advances on your credit cards.

Come to me if you need anything, but I’ll probably be running around yelling at other departments, hitting on hot women via sexual harassment within the office, and if you do find me I’ve only been working this job less than a year and I really don’t know what I’m doing anyway so I’ll probably just tell you to “deal with it”.

I'm actually only writing this email because I took a very small pay increase ($100 a year) to be in this supervisorial position, and because of my new status, I get yelled at every single day by my bosses who really don't know what they're doing either. As a matter of fact, none of us no what we're doing since we're a new company. The only people that did know what was going on quit the company a year ago to make more money.

By the way, economy sucks, unemployment is over 11%, so good luck trying to find another job. The owners of the company know this an are taking full advantage of each and every one of you, but I'm sure those of you with college degrees (about 50% of you) have already figured that out by now.

P.S. You cannot leave before 5pm today, and even then you can’t leave, because we’re doing our Friday GAME BALL which no one wants to do anymore but we guard the doors so you can’t leave, thus making your Friday even LONGER."