Typical Email at Echo Logistics

I don't know what got into me this morning, but I decided to write an email to my friends here at my current company, a phony typical email of the ones we used to get from our managers at Echo Logistics. Here goes:


"Ok guys, I want 10 calls before 9:00 today or the manager required that I write you up.

Call every company or customer you’ve ever talked to your entire life and ask them what they have shipping today. Try to bug your family members with phone calls and use shady selling tactics through lies and deception to get them to ship a pallet of SOMETHING, we don’t care what. If it’s hazmat, we’ll make a phony BOL. Also, try not to screw up anything, because if you do, we have to charge your customer for it and we're running out of made up charges names. We can only use "misclassification" and "homeland security fee" so many times.

Get to it guys, finish the end of the month out strong so you can never “ramp up” to our unattainable goal of actually earning a sum of money that allows you to pay rent without taking cash advances on your credit cards.

Come to me if you need anything, but I’ll probably be running around yelling at other departments, hitting on hot women via sexual harassment within the office, and if you do find me I’ve only been working this job less than a year and I really don’t know what I’m doing anyway so I’ll probably just tell you to “deal with it”.

I'm actually only writing this email because I took a very small pay increase ($100 a year) to be in this supervisorial position, and because of my new status, I get yelled at every single day by my bosses who really don't know what they're doing either. As a matter of fact, none of us no what we're doing since we're a new company. The only people that did know what was going on quit the company a year ago to make more money.

By the way, economy sucks, unemployment is over 11%, so good luck trying to find another job. The owners of the company know this an are taking full advantage of each and every one of you, but I'm sure those of you with college degrees (about 50% of you) have already figured that out by now.

P.S. You cannot leave before 5pm today, and even then you can’t leave, because we’re doing our Friday GAME BALL which no one wants to do anymore but we guard the doors so you can’t leave, thus making your Friday even LONGER."

A Day In The Life Of Little Nicky Punto

I stole this off the Twinkie Town blog, but it's so god damn hilarious I'm willing to accept, and plead guilty to copywrite infringement charges if it so comes to it.

Enjoy.....


:30 - Wake up. Loose daily primal scream. (Getting after it knows no time of day, even if it wakes the dog, mom and dad, and the neighbors.)
4:35 - Call Gardy. He's not picking up, like every morning, but now he knows that SOMEBODY was up. And getting after it.
4:40 - Sprint to kitchen. Miss turn and crash through patio doors. Throw batting gloves in disgust.
4:45 - Mistakenly pick up blanky. Get sleepy.
4:50 - Get ride to school. Fall asleep in backseat of car. Too cute to wake up. Even to get after it.
7:30 - Gently shaken awake by mom.
7:31 - Battle tail off.
7:32 - Remember to get out of car first.
7:45 - Batting practice. Gardy throws underhand from ten feet away, like usual. Accept effusive praise whenever the ball meets the bat.
8:15 - JUICE BOX JUICE BOX JUICE BOX
8:30 - Workout time. Battle tail off AND get after it. (Careful not to sprain effort gland again.)
10:30 - Bath time. Denied rubber ducky by Scott Ullger. Pout. Splash extra water on the floor.
12:00 - Lunchtime! Joe and Justin say that every spot at their table is "taken" again. Sit alone. Eat faster than anyone else. (Stomachaches are a sign that one is getting after it.)
12:05 - Sprint out onto playground for recess. Dive headfirst into slide.
12:15 - Sprint back out onto playground after patching up from nice nurse. Dive headfirst, this time into sandbox.
12:16 - Commence dirtying uniform. Those who truly give 110% are identified by dirty uniforms.
1:00 - Back inside. Time for film study. Gardy asks for a volunteer to run the projector. Raise hand. Since hand is unable to be seen over bigger boys in the front of the room, stand halfway up out of the desk and wave arm wildly while shouting "OOH! OOH! PICK ME!"
1:15 - Thread film backward through projector. Knock over desk. Accidentally set scouting report on fire with projector lamp. Accept effusive praise from Gardy for "really going out there and getting after it."
3:00 - Milk break. Sprint to cooler to get to chocolate first.
3:05 - Covered in milk from totally unnecessary dive into cooler. Still worth it.
3:10 - Offered high five from Jon Rauch. Can't... quite... reach... lots of jumping...
3:15 - Finally manage to grab Jon's arm and pull it down within high-five reach. Swing and miss, of course.
4:30 - ICE CREAM MAN ICE CREAM MAN
5:00 - Time to mow Gardy's lawn! Sprint home to get lawnmower. Forget to read traffic signs and end up four streets away from home.
5:30 - Finally make it to Gardy's. End up mowing wrong lawn and also killing two flowerbeds. Gardy promises a quadrupling of pay for next time.
6:00 - Hide in special hiding place before dinner. Imagine world where everybody is 5'2" and those who are 5'9" are giants who are loved and respected.
9:00 - Fall asleep while watching favorite show - "This Week in Baseball" reruns from 1989.
9:05 - Carried to bed. Tomorrow's another big day.
9:10 - Battle tail off.